Worn out from work, headed to visit little bro in the hospital. Just after getting to work last night, his wife texted to tell me he was in the hospital again for his heart. His heart functioning has been declining for the last year at least, maybe a little longer. Second time in as many months he’s been in there for the same thing. She told me one thing, he tells me another, I listen to the Dr. when he comes in. Hearing from the doctor that his heart is functioning at about 10% has me wondering how he’s still laying there being himself enough to be irritated because they haven’t let him eat since last night. Its a precaution for the heart cath they need to do. Knowing none of the other siblings back home are probably privy to any of this, I post the situation in the sibling group chat. They definitely had no clue. I stay as long as I can without feeling I may fall asleep on the drive home. As much as I want to curse him out for not taking better care of himself, not only do I not have the energy, but I also don’t want it to be the last words I ever say to him considering he could go into cardiac arrest at any time. No matter how un-seriously he’s taking it.

Before leaving his hospital, tried calling my cousin to check on her since she’s back home in the hospital and is at least now out of ICU. Still no answer. Many people don’t get to survive one heart attack let alone two. I know this and it weighs on me heavily. I gotta talk to her. Let her know I love her and I’m sending hugs across time and space for her. Crazy how just weeks ago her son experienced the same thing, and last year it was my youngest son. WTF is going on with the hearts in this family? I’m just glad everybody is still alive. All of them.

Seeing the text the grandbaby’s mom sent saying he needs diapers. Noted. I’m starving. I’ve decided to take a break from chicken and beef for the most part and am primarily eating fruits and veggies with some seafood thrown in every now and again or some “Beyond” or “Impossible” plant based “meats”. I think about stopping pass Waffle House, but decide I’ll have my Beyond Meat Meatballs with a baked potato when I get home instead. I’m so tired. Glad I don’t have to do any plant care today. I can just eat, have a glass of wine, then collapse into bed and watch some tv. My daughter wants to catch me up on the goings on with her show since I watched a couple episodes wit her yesterday. I indulge.

After I eat and get to sipping on my sweet red I have some time to lay down and watch a movie, got mostly through it before she came into the room teary eyed. I knew what was happening before she told me. It’s only been 3 weeks since her best friend took his own life. While she’s not crying all day every day and blaming herself anymore, just as grief does you’ll see some random thing (A commercial, a character, a piece of artwork, a song, etc.) and the tears start all over again. My heart aches for her, so we talk through whatever it is that has triggered her this time and whatever feelings or memories it has conjured. Somehow, we wind up getting into how depression manifests in each of us with mine being an overwhelming tiredness. Too tired to want to go to work, too tired to want to socialize, too tired to enjoy my hobbies or feel like doing much of anything other than fantasize about going to live in a solitary remote off grid cabin in the Alaskan wilderness. Just me and the dog until the day I die. Kind of like I’m feeling now.

I’m sooo tired, completely exhausted, WIPED OUT.