Being Single Is Only Fun For So Long But….
Dating can be a bit awkward, scary even, past a certain age. You have to be sure you’re not bringing some verbally or physically abusive maniac, serial killer or child molester around your children. You also need to make sure you’re not being courted by the facade of a manipulating bum looking for someone to lean on.
Even if you do find a decent guy, it has to be someone you’re compatible with, who has similar goals, who you can actually see a future with. Sometimes even the thought of it all can be so exhausting, that it almost seems easier to just abstain from dating altogether. Don’t sell yourself short. These 5 things can make weeding through the garden of love much easier.
#1 Google Is Your Friend
All it takes to find out some guys aren’t for you is one date. Others may make it to two or three dates. But once you get to a point where you feel you may want to get more serious with a person, go beyond casual dating and actually get into a relationship with them you need to dig into their background. Most people won’t have a problem with this and you should probably be very leery of those who do.
Sometimes a simple image search will be enough. Do a Google image search on the person’s name, and oftentimes ANY photos they have on the web will come up. Follow the links on these pics, and see what you can find out. You don’t necessarily have to find anything criminal, but you may find something that makes you wince, or feel like you may want to slow down. GO WITH YOUR GUT! You may also try adding words to your query such as ” John J. Doe mugshot. ” Or John J. Doe Facebook/Twitter/Instagram” Also try the website Scam.com They have some pretty thorough listings.
Considering you may get too many results, you could try also adding the city, county and state in which they currently or previously lived, and their age. (For one person who I KNEW had a record, I had to literally type the first and last name, the county, and state to finally return a result on Scam.com) When all else fails, there are services such as Been Verified and Checkmate for which you have to pay. Hey, it’s worth it for peace of mind.
#2 Make Your Ultimate Goal Crystal Clear
If you have been married before, and don’t ever want to be married again or if you’ve never been married and never intend to marry make it clear. If your ultimate goal is marriage and anything less is totally unacceptable, make it clear. You want more children, don’t want more children, want to attend weekly religious services as a family, don’t ever plan on attending religious services, want each of you to build your own businesses or want each of you to climb the corporate ladder MAKE IT CLEAR!
What sense would it make for the two of you to fall madly in love with each other’s personalities just to be torn apart a year or two later by diametrically opposing life paths? #1 Who has those years to waste with the wrong person? #2 Who wants to put themselves through that kind of heartache and torment? Compatibility is far more than the superficial “We like the same movies, share the same hobbies, have the same taste in music and we like the same foods.” Compatibility also includes your core values and your life goals. If those things don’t match up, they can eventually become serious causes of division down the line.
There are times when you make it clear upfront who you are and what you’re looking for, but sometimes people will still change and grow apart. It’s not necessarily anyone’s fault, we just sometimes evolve differently. What we want and value could change. However, if you are not the one who changed, at least you don’t have to second guess whether or not you made yourself clear from the beginning.
There is an app named Happy Couple available on both IOS and Android. You and your partner both download the app, and your individual apps link together by matching up your email addresses.
You’d be surprised at what you never thought to learn about your mate, and this app will help you to learn those things. Every day each person receives a set of 5 question on a variety of topics related to sex, responsibility, communication, recreation, emotions, and information. You get to answer the question for yourself, as well as a guess at the answer your mate will give for the same question. The app has levels, so it keeps a running total of the answers the two of you match on, and the points given to matching answers help you to progress through the levels.
The app also gives you fun little tasks to complete to foster closeness, as well as awesome tips to keep in mind as you progress throughout the relationship. It can be a really helpful tool, but it definitely requires full participation by both parties for just a few short minutes per day. If you both can stick to it, those few short minutes a day can help you feel so much closer to your mate, and more in tune with the way they feel and think. It’s more than worth the few minutes.
#4 Once You Two Have Made It Official, Show It In Your Behavior.
You would think this goes without saying, but this isn’t always the case. All of those men who constantly overload your DMs, make comments on your posts and pics like “Hey sexy.” anybody who wants to grab a bite to eat with you “Just as friends” shut it all down! Watch what you post, what you say, and how you respond to others as to not invite new suitors. You don’t need to go plaster the new boo’s pics all over your social media, but other men should at least see you as non-approachable. Think about it, if it’s anything that you would be the least bit uncomfortable with him doing, then you already know you shouldn’t be doing it.
If you’re in any “Singles” groups online, in Meet Ups, etc. that’s no longer your lane. Either you’re committed to this new relationship or you’re not. If any of this seems like its too much for you, or you have the urge to make excuses such as “None of this means anything.” or “It’s all harmless.” or “But I’ve made some good friends of the opposite sex with these avenues.” I promise you, you are not yet ready to settle down. Don’t drag the other person through your potentially hurtful mess until you are definitely ready. Release them and let them find someone who is ready to be just as committed as they are. It doesn’t make you a bad person, you’re just not ready yet.
#5 Stop Making Excuses
In his case, take note of how often you find yourself making excuses for his behavior with you. “He’s just too busy.”, “He’s just too tired.”, “He probably just didn’t realize that would hurt my feelings.” “I don’t think he realizes how it affects me.” “He’s just very private” STOP IT! Stop making excuses for him and being dismissive of your own feelings. How can he ever know how to be fully aware of your feelings if you don’t express them to him? You feel that he doesn’t make enough time for you, there are behaviors he exhibits that embarrass you or even hurts your feelings, he’s exhibiting any kind of behavior that is far outside of your comfort zone then you need to talk to him about these things. It could be that he simply isn’t aware. It could also lean toward incompatibility. Again, that’s no one’s fault, but it shouldn’t be overlooked. If it’s behavior easily modified, awesome. After all, you ARE still getting to know each other, and know what works for your relationship. But if it’s something that doesn’t change or he outright tells you he feels no need to change…..you have some thinking to do.
In your case, the exact same thing holds true. If you find that you keep having to make excuses for behaviors you are exhibiting toward him, you may need to re-evaluate just how important this relationship actually is for you. If it’s something you’d be willing to give up at the drop of a dime without any real fight or work, then why are you even in it? However, if you realize that these things are just something you have to make a concentrated effort to do better with, then stop slacking. A lot of us begin to slack off after we reach a certain level of comfort with a person, but it’s a serious mistake to do so. Call, text, make yourself available, be considerate of his feelings etc, just as much as you did in the beginning.
Even though dating can be a bit of a chore past a certain age, once you have done the work to make sure he’s a good guy and you’ve helped to lay a good foundation upon which you two can build, you could very well find your best friend. That forever partner who’s THEE ONE. That good lifetime love.