Sometimes it’s hard to recognize and come to grips with the very real flaws in our everyday relationships. Whether it’s a romantic relationship, relationships with family, or the relationships with your friends, you may currently be beneath the relationship veil. Soooo here is a little “outsider looking in” advice that you should seriously consider.

1) Stop letting people use you.

If you notice the only time you hear from this person is when they need a listening ear,  financial assistance, or help of some kind stop answering their texts and calls. These are the type that could see you on the “barely keeping things together” side for yourself, or on the verge of your own breakdown,  and WOULD STILL ask if they can borrow a few dollars, get a ride somewhere, if you could watch their kids, etc.

Often times you are only as valuable to these people as what you’re willing to give to and do for them. If you are desperate enough to have a relationship with these people that you’ll allow them to keep using you or don’t mind having to constantly make excuses then keep them around. Otherwise, eliminate these people from your life.  If it’s a family member,  love them from afar, and holla at cuz only at family functions.

2) Stop letting people manipulate you.

If this person is going to kill him/herself if you don’t do a particular thing,  if you’re going to ruin their life if you don’t do a particular thing, if they can’t be with you unless you accept a particular thing, etc., as harsh as it sounds,  that’s their problem not yours. You can have a verbally, mentally, or physically abusive person in your life that you have tried your best to work with,  yet reached a point where you couldn’t tolerate their antics anymore.

Many times these people will try to force you to continue to be subjected to the unpleasant things they do to you by making statements similar to the aforementioned.  DON’T FALL FOR IT! 9 times out of 10 he/she is not going to kill him/herself,  you are not ruining their lives,  and you should never be required to lose yourself to be with or around someone. Similar statements and other actions that try to bully or manipulate you (like causing conflict in one of your other relationships, incessantly calling or texting you, accusing you of various things like having never cared for them, etc.) are simply tools of the trade for these people.  Walk away.

3) Never be someone’s secret.

It’s understandable,  with the way social media works these days if someone doesn’t want to blast the relationship between the two of you on social media. Lord knows there will be someone standing by ready to hate on your relationship. However if you are an absolute secret that this person appears to be extremely cautious with and pretty damned determined to never let get out, that’s a problem.

If you try to take a pic with your “boo” are they always dodging the camera, or when you’re going live do they duck or slap the phone out of your hand to avoid appearing on your live? Does this person never so much as reference that they have a significant other in ANY social media post ever, and does he/she appear as single as a dollar bill to everyone on the outside looking in?

If you’ve answered yes to most of these questions, sorry to inform you but…. YOU ARE A SECRET and not simply low key. If your friend of the opposite sex can’t talk to you around their mate, can’t hang out with you and their mate or family together, or you can’t get an invite to any of the family events, YOU ARE A SECRET. You’re not really a “friend”. Get out of and far away from these secret relationships.  They’re not healthy for you, and leave you vulnerable to some powerful emotional gut shots, and/or all-out embarrassment. It’s honestly not worth it.

First acknowledge that you are, in fact, a secret.  It’s not “complicated” or they’re not “protecting you” or just “extremely private” or anything else they’re feeding you. Stop falling for the nonsense. Find a mate or friends who won’t keep you a secret, and are more than proud to have you and show you off.

4) Family is forever, like it or not.

Yes, in this day and age there are countless people more than willing to drag their family all over the internet talking about how horrible they are and how dirty they did them. These people will tell you their family business, make threats to their family, blast their family, etc. all for what exactly? For your entertainment. No matter what other reason they give, it’s because they feel someone will understand where they’re coming from, why they’re so upset, or why they feel so betrayed. Sometimes its just to let the world know their family member sucks as a person. Either way, others don’t watch because they care, they watch because it’s entertaining.

They often hardly know these people for whom they are performing on social media. The problem is, as a spectator, most people couldn’t care less who was right, who was wrong, or if there is a resolution to be had. For most, it’s simply entertainment and just one more thing to gossip about. Guess what….Junebug STILL coming to the family reunion even after all of that performing you did, like it or not.

Yup, some family will do you dirtier than a stranger in the street. Once you learn that, don’t hold on to all of that bitter resentment and aggression. Don’t become that cousin that’s always messing up the family gatherings because of the chip you have on your shoulder. Stop embarrassing the whole family on social media because of the mess between you and Junebug. Simply change how you move. Now you know you have to love this particular relative from afar (If at all), and never again allow them to get into a position to do you wrong a second time.

Stop letting the world know your grandmothers and grandfathers or parents dropped the ball somewhere and raised these ain’t sh*t individuals that exist in your family. Look at these people who exist in your family as a fluke, and not the new standard for the “Modern Family”.

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5) If something feels off to you, it probably is.

Unless you are someone with an anxiety disorder of some sort, have some kind of history of constantly being wrong, or are just a naturally suspicious person, believe your gut instincts. If you are one of the aforementioned persons, take your meds and understand that for you, things may not be what they seem. However, if none of the previously mentioned applies to you, it hurts nothing and helps everything to put your mind at ease.

If you think your kid is lying about who they are with or where they are going, check it out and verify. If you feel one of your family members is acting a little funny, investigate it and talk to them about it. If you feel things are a little different between you and your mate, don’t start snooping around, stalking them, or hawking them. Speak to them; lay your concerns on the table. You’ll feel a lot better just getting it all out of your system and getting to the bottom of things, rather than getting yourself all worked up subconsciously over what may quite possibly be absolutely nothing. If you do discover problems, then move on to finding or creating solutions. Don’t be more afraid to look crazy than you are to actually GO crazy. Don’t do it to yourself. Whatever it is, don’t wimp out, be too busy, or be too lazy to get it handled. It will be much better for your mental health.

Check yourself

If any of these flaws exist in your everyday relationships,  whether it’s a romantic relationship, relationships with family,  or your relationships with your friends, stop living beneath the relationship veil. Use some common sense before you lose yourself. Outsiders looking in probably already see what you are blind to. Or maybe you see it, but simply are not yet prepared to tackle it. Get to cleaning out your relationship clutter. You’ll be glad you did. You’ll find much more peace in your life. You’ve got some straightening out to do.